De noodzaak van het schrijven over mijn burn-out

10 november 2017

Geschreven door Rosa Surachno

Universiteitsbibliotheek Utrecht, ik zit er weer. Om mij heen zitten allemaal studenten te studeren of te werken. Ik zit ertussen en val niet op tussen al deze jonge, hardwerkende mensen. Het enige verschil is dat ik bezig ben met het schrijven van een boek, en dat ik me nu weer buig over mijn faalhoofdstuk, het hoofdstuk dat ironisch genoeg voor mij het faalgevoeligst is omdat ik er nu alweer voor de derde keer aan begin, en het maar niet lijkt te lukken. Iedereen die mij nu ziet typen denkt waarschijnlijk dat ik ook hard aan het werk ben, dat ik een paper aan het schrijven ben, of misschien wel een samenvatting maak voor een tentamen. Maar niemand weet wat ik heb meegemaakt afgelopen jaar. Niemand weet uit welke diepe put ik moest kruipen om hier weer te zitten. Mensen zien de façade van mij, hardwerkend, driftig typend. De noodzaak van het schrijven van dit boek wordt me hierdoor nog duidelijker: je ziet nooit wat er achter iedereen hier om mij heen schuil gaat. Misschien zit ik wel aan tafel met nog drie andere burn-outgevallen, of staat iemand op het punt van stoppen met zijn studie. Ik kijk om me heen. Iedereen met de hoofden op de schermen gericht.

Dit schreef ik ongeveer een jaar geleden toen ik nog helemaal in het schrijfproces zat van mijn boek Generatie Ei. Het laat aan mij zien hoe gefascineerd ik toen al was door het gegeven dat er zoveel jonge mensen last hebben van burn-outklachten, en dat we dat niet laten zien aan elkaar. Zelf was ik ook net herstellende van mijn eigen overspannen periode, en het frustreerde me dat het altijd maar goed lijkt te gaan met iedereen. Ik vroeg me af, daar zittend in de bibliotheek, waarom het zo lastig is om te accepteren dat het leven soms tegenzit, en waarom er nauwelijks ruimte is om het daarover te hebben met elkaar.

Voor mij was het schrijven van dit boek een volkomen nieuwe ervaring dat met niks te vergelijken viel. Het gevoel zelf aan het roer te staan van de boodschap die je wilt overbrengen voelde geweldig maar ook behoorlijk spannend, voornamelijk omdat ik veel van mijn eigen kwetsbaarheid in het boek kwijt wilde. De zin van een jaar geleden ‘De noodzaak van het schrijven van dit boek wordt me hierdoor nog duidelijker: je ziet nooit wat er achter iedereen hier om mij heen schuilgaat’ dekt daarbij goed de lading. Wat ik het liefste met dit boek wilde bereiken is het doorbreken van het taboe op het perfecte plaatje, en het komen met het inzicht dat niet altijd alles mee kan zitten.

Inmiddels een jaar later is het boek uit en lees ik veel recensies geschreven door generatiegenoten. Keer op keer staat er dat het boek een feest van herkenning is. Wat bijzonder toch dat in de reacties mensen ook toe durven te geven dat het bij hen ook niet altijd van een leien dakje gaat. Ook merk ik dat het boek veel losmaakt bij de mensen om me heen. Vrienden zijn het soms eens en soms niet eens met de dingen die ik heb geschreven, maar wat leuk om daar het gesprek over aan te gaan: wat ik schreef in mijn boek blijkt keer op keer waar te zijn. Vaak wanneer je kwetsbaarheid toont, krijg je kwetsbaarheid terug.

Inmiddels ben ik begonnen met een premaster, en merk ik dat ik nog steeds de balans aan het zoeken ben tussen rust en drukte en tussen presteren en ontspannen. Toch ben ik een heel stuk wijzer dan twee jaar geleden, en signaleer ik dan ook veel sneller wanneer ik weer te veel van mezelf verwacht. Weer zit ik in de universiteitsbibliotheek. De studenten zijn hetzelfde, de hoofden op de schermen gericht. Weer ben ik druk typend aan het werk. Ik kijk om me heen en ik glimlach, dankbaar blik ik terug op de afgelopen twee jaar.

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